Seek To Change Yourself First

My old executive coach has remained a friend over many years now. We don't see each other a lot, but I'm always moved to call when I'm struggling with something. The odd thing about coaching is that it never "ends." As I speak with him, the sense of being listened to comes back. With so many people you talk, but they're really listening to their inner voices analysing what you're saying and preparing a response. The essense of coaching is listening for real, just listening.

Knowing that you're going to be listened to changes what you say. You're more aware that you should try to make sense as opposed to making small talk. So by the time you get the person into conversation you've most likely done more clear thinking about your problem than you realize.

The "coach"/friend doesn't solve your problems. It's generally best if they don't even attempt advice. But even a couple of relatively obvious questions will usually draw out ideas you've been formulating, but haven't yet clarified for yourself. That's the power of coaching. Ideally in a balanced friendship, you coach each other simply by really listenting to what the other person has to say.

In other words, the power of a coach is the change you make in yourself as a result of wanting to present something that makes sense when you meet.

Interesting sidelights come out of such conversations. We talked a bit about coaching approaches. My friend mentioned a coach he particularly admired who began with sports coaching and wrote a book from later experiences coaching in large companies using the same principles. Those principles sounded not only interesting, but unusual so I looked for the book and got it from the local library - Timothy Gallwey, The Inner Game of Work. 

I knew I'd hit something I'd like when I ran into this passage about company leaders: "People in a position to make changes tend to absolve themselves from the need to make the changes in themselves first. Change is something "we" do to "them." Learning is something "they" need to do."

Amen. When coaching someone else, you must be open to change, too. In fact that's one of the great benefits. Great book.