Instant People Skills: Coach Yourself & Others

Seek To Change Yourself First

My old executive coach has remained a friend over many years now. We don't see each other a lot, but I'm always moved to call when I'm struggling with something. The odd thing about coaching is that it never "ends." As I speak with him, the sense of being listened to comes back. With so many people you talk, but they're really listening to their inner voices analysing what you're saying and preparing a response. The essense of coaching is listening for real, just listening.

Knowing that you're going to be listened to changes what you say. You're more aware that you should try to make sense as opposed to making small talk. So by the time you get the person into conversation you've most likely done more clear thinking about your problem than you realize.

The "coach"/friend doesn't solve your problems. It's generally best if they don't even attempt advice. But even a couple of relatively obvious questions will usually draw out ideas you've been formulating, but haven't yet clarified for yourself. That's the power of coaching. Ideally in a balanced friendship, you coach each other simply by really listenting to what the other person has to say.

In other words, the power of a coach is the change you make in yourself as a result of wanting to present something that makes sense when you meet.

Interesting sidelights come out of such conversations. We talked a bit about coaching approaches. My friend mentioned a coach he particularly admired who began with sports coaching and wrote a book from later experiences coaching in large companies using the same principles. Those principles sounded not only interesting, but unusual so I looked for the book and got it from the local library - Timothy Gallwey, The Inner Game of Work. 

I knew I'd hit something I'd like when I ran into this passage about company leaders: "People in a position to make changes tend to absolve themselves from the need to make the changes in themselves first. Change is something "we" do to "them." Learning is something "they" need to do."

Amen. When coaching someone else, you must be open to change, too. In fact that's one of the great benefits. Great book.

Starting idea: Core skills make effectiveness easier

The goal of this blog is to illustrate just one simple observation with examples and wide-ranging references:  that to be effective at leadership or "people skills and strategies" (including formal human resources and business strategies) requires practice with just five key concepts that become five dependable core habits (or as we often call good habits: skills).

To avoid suspense, here they are:
1. be positive (building confidence shouldn't be hard, but takes many people a lot of practice),
2. be honest (the greatest failing of many otherwise excellent leaders, especially isolated CEOs!),
3. choose a strategic direction (by asking yourself how 1 and 2 combine logically at the same time   
    to form a direction to take you from where you are now [your reality] to your goal),
4. build habits/skills slowly and steadily through practice so you progress based on this direction
5. keep these in sight and in balance, aligned with other your other strategies... until two things
    happen - you build momentum and these become automatic, almost unconscious habits.   

Each of these five habits can be developed by anyone. Everyone can lead, lead life successfully and use these positive skills to achieve more than they ever dreamed both at work and in the rest of their lives. If we can show people how, they can change the world for the better at every level.

I learned this over seven interesting careers and jobs in different industries, all involving helping people develop skills, usually the skills to manage, lead or deal with other people. Throughout the 14 years I headed Human Resources for a national retail chain with 70,000 people, developing nearly 4500 managers and executives, I found myself explaining these skills over and over. Over time you find simpler ways to see them and explain them. This is it. Now I pass them on to audiences of all sorts through my public speaking, coaching and strategy consulting business.

When you need to make moment-to-moment decisions dealing with people, as leaders always must, you need a manageable mental picture of what to do.

Once these five skills become automated as habit they can be applied virtually without hesitation in almost every single situation you encounter.

Through trial and error, I saw how I could develop confidence and show others how to as well - confidence that anything is achievable, given a reasonable amount of time. Anything any person can do is something any one of us could do with enough time - and it's usually far less time than we ever imagine!