Instant People Skills: Coach Yourself & Others

Some Great Blog Sites

Every once in a while you stumble onto a gold mine and wonder why you missed it for so long. Trevor Gay is a long-term British Health System executive who retired into his own consulting practice and has created a blog actually worth looking through.

His own blog, Simplicity, I'd describe as a rather quirky, opinionated version of the concept, but that's a plus. It takes your thinking in new directions and collects links to some other very interesting, somewhat quirky stuff as well.

I started with his video and then some background, but was very interested to skim some of the blogs he links to, like these: Promanager , Hillbilly PhD, Phil Gerbyshak's Make It Great which in turn refers to this list: Top Productivity and Lifehack Blogs (a Lifehack, by the way is blog-speak for cute tips and shortcuts you can use to improve your life - or "hack" your life, in other words).

The only trouble I have with blogs, including my own is too many and too much to read. They work if you keep focused, but it's easy to get sidetracked in a thousand directions.

What bloggers link to is often misleading because they mix personal and business interests and some bloggers waver back and forth between the two far too much to make either aspect useful. If you believe in Serendipity (lucky coincidence) great, but finding what you're actually looking for can be a long haul.

New Year's Alone Doesn't Produce Effective Resolutions

Networking expert Michael Hughes wrote a comment in a newsletter that captured a key insight. It isn't only New Year's Day that produces resolutions. I always resisted that idea. After all what's different about one day, just because it's designated as the start of something.

Rather it's the combination of a designated new start following a substantial mental break with the preceding grind and what you do after that. The elements work best when the work together.

Mentally we think "the old can be left behind at least partly" and "we have an accepted point at which to start something new," where, for instance, sales people begin with a fresh set of goals, a blank page. There's nothing they can change about the past, but mentally a "do over" opportunity appears.

Whatever different stresses the holiday season presents - last minute shopping, more family than you see all year, special efforts for parties, celebrations, dinners and possibly travel - the new stresses ensure time for the old routines to fall into a bit of perspective.

You can think in terms of a "do over" each day, too, as Mark LeBlanc, outgoing President of the US National Speakers Association captures in his book, Growing Your Business (reviews at bottom of the linked page).

It's a great idea for tasks with targets like selling or losing weight - do just one thing each day. Get into a habit. Don't beat yourself up if you didn't do it one day, but make sure you do that one thing TODAY. Don't feel you have to "catch up" and do two today. The goal is simply to get into the pattern of one per day until it feels comfortable, you know where in your typical days to fit it in and it starts to get done regularly.

One sales call a day, or one task on some project you need to get done (sending out those resumes?) or one step in building a strategy (signing up for or scheduling training?) or implementing an idea. One-a-day. 

Even Jerry Seinfeld says, "Mark each day on the calendar when you do that one thing. Don't break the chain whatever you do." If you keep shooting to lengthen that unbroken chain the habit becomes more and more automatic and you get better and more comfortable. Doing whatever it is just once in a day generally seems easy enough to keep you going. Once you've mastered the flow, you can move on to a new "one thing."

Not a bad reminder for two weeks into the new year. That's when I start to see people at the gym who made an early new year's effort start to drop away. Are they doing just one thing to stay fit somewhere else? We can hope. It's fine for the way you do it to evolve. Just don't stop. But don't beat yourself up for one miss. Make sure you do it next time… today, tomorrow, the day after, somewhere, sometime, somehow. Get into the groove.

By the way. If you find you just can't, that you rarely or never get it into your day and that continues week after week, it's time to think up a new strategy to try out, a new variation that you CAN do once each day. You only get better at what you can tolerate doing regularly. Don't wait for another New Year's to modify your plan. The real commitment is to progress, whatever it might be or however it comes about.

Dangerous Questions?

Do you get much out of webinars?  I hear people say if they got one thing it was worthwhile.  Is it any wonder Gen Xers prefer faster media like texting and short You Tube videos?  Often the best ideas come from very short comments. But you may not even notice them without context.

A webinar today on the subject of effective coaching from Bluepoint by the authors of their new book, Unleashed, suggested we can often benefit from the following question in lots of situations and expect many people to jump to answer this: "who knows a dangerous conversation we need to have?"

In context this is a brilliant observation.  If you're coaching someone it could be the dangerous conversation they need to have is with themselves or with some significant other - as spouse, a boss, a coworker or any of a dozen other possibilities.

Perhaps even more importantly, this would almost always seem helpful in team meetings.  Maybe change the wording slightly to "dangerous questions we need to ask?"  How many times have you been at a meeting, knowing people are sitting with concerns, but feeling unable to ask for speak up?

Another option: "Who knows a challenging question we should ask?"  The possibilities and the opportunities are endless.  Are there situations where you can apply this today?  Is there a dangerous question you can ask yourself?

Imagination - Our Necessary Blessing and Curse

Imagination makes us human, but challenges our happiness. Dan Gilbert points out in Stumbling on Happiness that what distinguishes us is our ability to imagine a different present, future or even past. Though he identifies many pitfalls, he doesn't offer a lot of advice for solving the problem this raises.

We need this ability to be able to plan change, but it comes with a cost.

Writers such as Nobel Prize winner, Andre Gide, pointed out long ago that comparison makes us miserable. When we think how things could have been or could be different, we often torture ourselves with the thought. He noted: "In order to be utterly happy the only thing necessary is to refrain from comparing this moment with other moments in the past, which I often did not fully enjoy because I was comparing them with other moments of the future." 

Buddha offered a solution among his first principles (All life is suffering; all suffering results from desire), advising us to work at avoiding desire, meditating toward peace and acceptance, while Helen Keller advised: "Instead of comparing our lot with that of those who are more fortunate than we are, we should compare it with the lot of the great majority of our fellow men. It then appears that we are among the privileged." That she could do this despite severe disabilities provides a ray of clarity.

It isn't imagination that creates problems, but what we do with it.

The same is true in leadership. If we dwell on what people could have done and make them miserable because of it, we won't get nearly as good performance as if we appreciate even small progress and encourage thinking about what else can be done right now that can lead to great results in future. Finding the right balance, as always is the key.

Complexity Skills

Complexity is managed by seeing, sensing or "intuiting" patterns. The human mind almost always instantly grasps a pattern or seems to - for instance, even in a picture composed of loosely spaced dots - unless someone has purposely made it too abstract. The same applies with stories, which is why they are highly recommended as a leadership communication technique.

We sense meaning as much as fully understand it. Our minds fill in "the whole story" from a few details. We can sense how we would feel. When we find ourselves in situations, we often don't need to fully understand each aspect. Once we have the gist of it, we determine the best next steps or judge what is most likely to follow without actually analyzing every element. We're right more often than wrong according to Malcolm Gladwell in "Blink." Overall pattern recognition is a very different set of skills from command and control analysis. We can't always be absolutely correct because we bypass some of the detail in favor of grasping a larger, more inclusive view. Both methods have advantages and are best applied in different situations. The challenge is knowing when to use intuition and when to analyze details. Unfortunately most organizations can't or don't distinguish the processes very well and tend to mix them.

Our goal should be to choose the approach which most quickly gets you very close to the truth "more often than not" depending on the circumstances. In the days when most organizational decisions needed lots of analysis, facts or previous experience, command and control worked in most situations. Today diverse input often helps more. although analysis still has it's place.

The tremendous speed of pattern recognition or "intuition" far surpasses anything achievable by analysis and formal decision-making. That fits today's need for faster action and it doesn't result in many more mistakes than painstaking analysis that may well miss some factors.

Those who are uncomfortable with managed uncertainty, who like every detail nailed down, are increasingly likely to be left behind in a rapidly changing world where the advantage tilts toward those willing to make educated guesses and take calculated, but definite risks in their day-to-day work. These are hallmarks of effective leaders that are now required by every level of operation within organizations. The day of assembly line, rote following of rules to accomplish a job is fading, taken over by computers, which can do such fixed tasks more easily.